I speak "Woman-ese"

Being a married man in the twilight of his twenties, there's been one resounding reason why my wife has not changed the locks on me (yet!). I speak several different dialects of "Woman-ese" and "Woman-ese" slang.

Given that my wife's form of the language is local only to her, the following translations should be treated as a public service to all of my brothers out there. I'll share with you some of the key plays in her play book.

Women mainly speak a diminutive version of something they call in Communication Circles "secret language." "Secret Language" is basically the act speaking in passive suggestion as opposed to a more direct line of questioning. For example:

• "Are you hungry?"

Now this question can be a sticky wicket in my household. This could mean 1 of 2 things: 1.) She may have noticed something in me that exhibited signs to her that I'm hungry or 2.) She's hungry but afraid to say so. It's usually the former of the 2 in which case I always say, "I'm not hungry, but I could eat!"

• "Are you ready?"

This question usually unfurls during a party or get together or what I like to call "away games." It's usually a situation where we've both had WAY too much day. This is also a situation where we either have a long drive ahead of us, or midnight is fast approaching. Either way, I know SHE'S ready.

• "I choose [blank]"

This is a tough one. My loving wife has a bad habit of presenting me with 2 options. She then chooses one, and the relents and chooses the other one, but only after I'm completely psyched up about the 1st decision.

• "I'm leaving it up to you..."

This isn't as cold as it sounds. This means she's reached a point where a decision needs to be made, but she doesn't want to make it. The reason for her indecision could be anything, but at the time, she's not going to make one, and I have to live with the results; good, bad, or indifferent.

L8er.