Moving On and Looking Back

Now since my separation, it's been a bit rough adjusting to flying solo again. As a single lad in 2001, I was quite the shy chickensh*t when it came to approaching women. Best example of that is my Senior Year High School Year Book. Looking at some of those missives from the ladies, it felt like one missed opportunity after another. Sexually suggestive messages, telephone numbers, confessions of unrequited love...even ADDRESSES!

I guess part of this spring cleaning is out with old me and in with a new me. At first, I wanted to be bad. I guess because I've been an apple polisher my whole life. I always did the right thing. I always said the right thing. I guess being a loyal and loving husband didn't pay off, so why not try the other side?

Looking back now, I'm thinking that wasn't what I was after. Thankfully I put none of those thoughts into action. It's not a matter of being the bad guy as it is to stop being that shy guy that never got the girl. Being the way that I was before I got married, was just a self-centered whiny b*tch. It's easy to grow tired of being the strong, silent type. The "sensitive" guy. None of these approaches managed to keep my marriage together. So why keep trying the same thing?

I was talking to my best friend, S about it yesterday, and I admitted that being single is quite hard, and that I had thought about joining the darkside. His woman, J was convinced that I was still I was still on the "Pain Train", listening to The Cure, wearing all black with matching eyeliner. She might not be too far from the truth...

L8er.

Therapy

I've never been a big fan of doctors. I guess technically I have 2 strikes, I'm male and I'm an African American. These are 2 of the biggest demographics that consistently do not go to doctors for help. So when I suggested to T that we seek therapy, I was a concerned husband that wanted to fix the problems in our marriage. The only problem with that is Therapy is a 2 way street. It only works if the couple is engaged in the process of solving our issues. Only one of us was interested in a resolution.

By the time I suggested marriage counseling, I had already called on a few counselors and left messages. When T showed no interest in counseling, I moved on to plan B, which was get counseling on my own. It seemed like the right thing to do. I had lost my mother 8 months ago, and then I lose my wife on top of that? I wasn't on the edge or about to do anything rash to harm myself or others, but I just needed a sounding board to help comprehend some of what I was feeling at that time.

And the hits just keep on coming...

I vacillated about coming back to this blog. However if a blog can do anything it's to get your feelings out on paper. Talking my way through different situations and getting a little help from what readers I have left.

So I'm back now for good. I'm going to make it a point to make sure and update this blog on a more regular basis. Especially since, yet another life changing monkey-wrench has gummed up the works yet again. SEPARATION.

I can honestly tell you that I didn't see this coming. T has developed feelings for someone else and she didn't feel comfortable revealing his identity, and being married to me was "too hard." According to her, "...we don't have any kids, so this should be the easy part." Hmm... interesting, because, last I checked, when have quite a few friends with no kids, and marriage is no cakewalk for them.

I'm sorry this update is so behind the curve, but this has been my reality since the end of March. From March to about mid-May, we've been living in the same house, in 2 separate rooms and in 2 separate beds. Last week marked the one month mark that I've been on my own.

The last time I saw her before that was the week before I was set to move out and she chose to stick with "Our" vacation plans and went to the timeshare in Virginia Beach. I was waiting for the day for a time when she would eventually need to talk to me which occurred via text message. There were leftover bills from the house that we're set to "short sell" in May but instead of splitting them evenly as planned, she decided to take the stand of justifying her way out of paying her half with incidental bills like lawn care of the old house.

Most of our exchanges go down like a drug deal. It feels weird, awkward, prickly and overall just not good. It's like I almost needed a shower after our feeble attempts and well wishes and stifled conversation. There's no "Hello!" or "Hi!" or other typical pleasantries. If feels more like a strange sitcom like continuation of a horrible exchange with a bookmark of ickyness.

Her reasons for leaving hasn't changed. Her vapid response to anything I say to her has continued. And yet, she wants to be friends. She talked about that several times before her admission. And I don't need anymore friends. I'm not in that place in my life where I need more friends.

Is being single hard? HELL YES! Especially when one has been off the market for 10 years. Many things have changed and everything is different. Is it going to be a little weird? Yes! Is it going to be very awkward? Certainly! Are you along for the ride? Get Ready.

L8er.