Moving On and Looking Back

Now since my separation, it's been a bit rough adjusting to flying solo again. As a single lad in 2001, I was quite the shy chickensh*t when it came to approaching women. Best example of that is my Senior Year High School Year Book. Looking at some of those missives from the ladies, it felt like one missed opportunity after another. Sexually suggestive messages, telephone numbers, confessions of unrequited love...even ADDRESSES!

I guess part of this spring cleaning is out with old me and in with a new me. At first, I wanted to be bad. I guess because I've been an apple polisher my whole life. I always did the right thing. I always said the right thing. I guess being a loyal and loving husband didn't pay off, so why not try the other side?

Looking back now, I'm thinking that wasn't what I was after. Thankfully I put none of those thoughts into action. It's not a matter of being the bad guy as it is to stop being that shy guy that never got the girl. Being the way that I was before I got married, was just a self-centered whiny b*tch. It's easy to grow tired of being the strong, silent type. The "sensitive" guy. None of these approaches managed to keep my marriage together. So why keep trying the same thing?

I was talking to my best friend, S about it yesterday, and I admitted that being single is quite hard, and that I had thought about joining the darkside. His woman, J was convinced that I was still I was still on the "Pain Train", listening to The Cure, wearing all black with matching eyeliner. She might not be too far from the truth...

L8er.

Therapy

I've never been a big fan of doctors. I guess technically I have 2 strikes, I'm male and I'm an African American. These are 2 of the biggest demographics that consistently do not go to doctors for help. So when I suggested to T that we seek therapy, I was a concerned husband that wanted to fix the problems in our marriage. The only problem with that is Therapy is a 2 way street. It only works if the couple is engaged in the process of solving our issues. Only one of us was interested in a resolution.

By the time I suggested marriage counseling, I had already called on a few counselors and left messages. When T showed no interest in counseling, I moved on to plan B, which was get counseling on my own. It seemed like the right thing to do. I had lost my mother 8 months ago, and then I lose my wife on top of that? I wasn't on the edge or about to do anything rash to harm myself or others, but I just needed a sounding board to help comprehend some of what I was feeling at that time.