Thursday, April 24, 2008

Girls That You Meet in the Club...

I recently went to a club for my older Sister's birthday, and I was completely flummoxed by the new menu being offered to men in the club. I couldn't imagine being single nowadays because I would probably get less play than High School and College combined, which was few and far between. Anyway, here's the list:

  • The "Everything BUT the Pole" dancer - This is a woman who dances as suggestively as possible, and actually poses for pictures for the pervs that brought their Camera-Phone. She wears next to nothing and is also known as "the complete ho bag" of the group. Studies have shown that you can actually contract a venereal disease, just by watching.
  • The "Drunk Chick" - She desperately wants to be the dancer chick referenced above, but unfortunately she started drinking 7:30 this morning. She has no short term memory or tolerance for anything she's drinking. Tends to sound like James Earl Jones the morning after.
  • The Girl with the "Hypothetical Boyfriend" - This is a girl I've run into very often. She has a boyfriend, but not really. She probably more attractive than the previous 2, but she's untouchable because her "Hypothetical Boyfriend" is standing guard ready to strike if you show the slightest interest in "his girl." If you're UFC fighter or have a high tolerance for getting your ass kicked, she's the girl for you.
  • Supa Ho - This is the evolution of the "Everything BUT the Pole" dancer. She is the Jedi Knight of Hos, complete with light saber and hooker heels. Her job is to upstage every pole dancer in the club, but specifically targets committed men.
  • Delusional Girl - This is a girl that actually believes that you can find a "good man" in a club. She falls "in love" with the first guy that is sober enough to pay attention to her and would love to go back to this gentleman's apartment to "talk" but is derailed by...
  • Mother Hen - She's less attractive than Delusional Girl and is her best friend. She's also the grenade...wait...nuke that your best wingman would have to jump on and appease in order for you to get to Delusional Girl. Unfortunately, the chorus of "We ARRIVED together, We LEAVE together" is joined by...
  • Sour Girl - Who also sings the chorus of "My friend's dragged me here!" I REALLY HATE clubs!" There's no real reason why this girl showed up to the club other than she is a sheep that just follows the crowd. She also makes it a point to never reveal who true feelings to the chums that "dragged" her to the club. Secretly, she's glad to be there.

Surely this isn't an exhaustive list, but it's a nice start.


Thursday, April 10, 2008

The Kid Question...

One of the most interesting things about being young and married is the inevitable question:

"So when a you gonna have kids? "

It's not like I don't expect this question. T & I are young, healthy, and for the time being childless. In the African American tradition, we're once again, "bucking the trend." At the same time, I can't help but find this question to be a bit unnerving.

Then with a Federal District Attorney's relentlessness, you get the follow up question:

" you like kids?"

This ladies and gentleman, is when the wicket gets a bit sticky, because the entire tone of the conversation hinges on your answer to this question. In my opinion you have 4 options as far as an answer; each having their strengths and weaknesses.
  1. "For breakfast!" Atta boy! Answer a serious question with sarcasm. Especially when you're dealing with anyone older than you, with kids, you're asking for it with this answer.
  2. "Nope." Straight to the point, but one of two things will happen. You will either get the follow up "Why?" and if that's your answer get ready for your dancing shoes. The other reply you may receive is an uncomfortable, "...ok..." which to me means, Congratulations, you'll never be asked this question again, but you've alienated your curious questioner.
  3. "Yes." Which means you'll definitely be faced with the follow up, "When?" and if that's the case get ready to explain your entire family planning road map.
  4. "I love 'em!" Which could make your questioner even more uncomfortable when a full grown adult that doesn't work in a child based industry, answers with that level of zeal. Don't be surprised if the authorities visit your home for hostages.
My normal answer is "Yes...eventually." At this point the monologue about how rewarding and life-changing that rearing children are begins to unfurl. For once, I would love to receive credit for approaching procreation with such a fiscally responsible attitude. My wife and I are paying for a home for the next 30 years and a new vehicle for the next 6 years. The average cost of a child per month in my income bracket is $625 per month.

Now don't get me wrong! I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm going to wait until I completely pay everything off before choosing to procreate. What I am saying is that I wish to make sure that I am able to afford everything I need for this child. What I usually hear then is "You can never afford a child!"

Let's just say I'm saving up for a kid!


Sunday, April 6, 2008

Darian's Food Theory

Hello once again. So I was talking to some friends at my other job, and I starting thinking about my food theory again. I know that it's incredibly left-brained of me(i used to separate my succotash and color-coordinate my skittles), but I separate foods into two distinct groups: Commitment Foods, and Non-Commitment Foods.

Commitment Foods are the foods for which I have developed a certain process, and I will completely avoid or save until later to fully enjoy my process, or too complicate to fully enjoy. The following are examples of commitment foods and the process necessary:

  • Skittles - Need to be organized according to the color wheel (ROYGBIV) and the same goes for M&Ms
  • Oreos - Needs a glass or bowl of milk, completely separated into a wad of creme filling and a stack of cookies to be enjoyed separately, cookies first.
  • Butterfinger - needs to be eaten at home or among friends due to the Butterfinger filling getting stuck in your teeth
  • Submarine Sandwich - Needs to be plated
  • Succotash - Needs to be split into Lima Beans and Corn and enjoyed separately, Beans first
  • 3 Musketeers Candy Bar - Chocolaty shell is eaten first leaving the chocolate nougat to enjoy separately
  • Peanut Butter Trix - Peanut Butter scrapped off of the bar and then the cookie enjoyed
  • Utz Ripple Cut Sour Cream & Onion Potato Chips - (or any chips for that matter) The most heavily flavored chips are saved for last
  • Tuna/Chicken Salad - Referencing the "best chips" highlighted above, are to be placed inside the sandwich and enjoyed mixed together.
  • And the most difficult of all commitment foods: Combos. They're miniature pretzel or cracker snacks in tiny short rolls with a cheesy or tangy center. My complicated process with these is to crack the Combo, like an acorn, remove the flavor filling and eat the shells, THEN eat all the filling at once similar to the Oreo process.
WOW! I'm a psychopath.


Saturday, April 5, 2008

My Szechuan Soul Sista...

As I told you earlier, I'm in the Financial Services Industry, but I've also picked up a second job, at a local mall. The mall is kinda where I got my start, so I'm never ashamed to go back to earn a little extra money. I work for a clothing outfitter with a very thick Eurasian fan base.

So I was working there this evening and I ran in to a very interesting Asian pair: a mother and her daughter. The mother had to be in her early 60s and her daughter into her early 30s. The daughter was making a purchase and I asked for her I.D. She handed me her driver's license, and her mother said, "You look like a FOB in that picture." The daughter said, "Yeah, that picture was taken a while ago. Turning to me, the daughter asked, "Do you know what a 'FOB' means?" I shrugged and told her no. She said, "A FOB means that I look like I'm Fresh Off the Boat."

I totaled her purchase and gave them the price. The Mother then said to me, "Well, since a lot of this stuff is so high-end, hows about a discount?" I tried to laugh it off, but this old bird was persistent. "Come on, I speak homeboy, how about a 'brudda-sista' discount?" Taken aback from that comment, I couldn't contain my laughter. "Come on! I know you have a 'brudda-sista' discount! I know we not brudda and sista, but hook me up!" My laughter continued. She then said, "Come on brudda, I'm T-pain's mudda. Hook me up!" I again cheerfully declined and at this point, her daughter was completely embarrassed. The mother said, "He laughing, it's OK!"

On one end, I could have been completely offended by her comment, but it's best never to take yourself too seriously. She was trying to get a rise out of me and inject a bit of levity, and for that, she'll forever have my respect. Just no discounts.


Friday, April 4, 2008


I'm fresh from a trip to my weekly wallet raping, A.K.A. refueling my vehicle. There's a gas station right up the street from my job that I've frequented especially this past week. I pulled up to pump 1, and at most stations, if they wish for you to pay cash up front, there's usually a sign posted to do so.

I stood there for 7 minutes repeatedly flipping the gas pump on and off so that I may pump my gas, to no avail. I then waited in line for 3 minutes and asked for pump 1 to be turned on. He said, "I'm sorry. It's very busy and we've had drive-offs and I don't have a lot of customer confidence right now." I said, I completely understand that, but why don't you have a sign posted. He said again, "I've had drive-offs, I'm sorry." I said, I WORK NEXT DOOR! I've bought gas and candy bars from here several times. Here's my name tag! Meanwhile, people next to me are paying for gas and other Quickie Mart staples, but for some odd reason, I have to pay for my gas upfront. I tried not to sweat it, handed the man $30 and tried to k.i.m. (keep it moving)

Now people, I TRIED! I TRIED SO HARD, to be the bigger man, swallow my pride and get my gas and be on my merry way, but I couldn't. I stopped just short of the door, waited in line for another 5 minutes and promptly asked for my refund. He said, "I don't understand." I told him that obviously he's having a bad day with customers, and I would just like to come back when you're having a better day. He once again feigned understanding.

"What do you mean bad day?", he said.

"Sir, I would just like my money back." I said.

"Is there something wrong with the pump?"

"No, I just wish to get my gas elsewhere, since I have to pay upfront for some reason."

"You're being very unfair. You're showing your name tag as if I should recognize you!"

(Now mind you, I dress very classic and old school, complete with a derby. At this point I had bought candy and gum there 2 days straight.) I demanded my money and finally he relented.

His gas pumping underling followed me to my car and apologized, but the damage was already done.

Now mind you, I make a conscience effort everyday as an African-American to not play the race card. But when you get to a point when you're crossing all the other reasons for this disservice in your mind, you get to a point where the color of your skin is all you have left. That's quite sad in a world where most people don't believe that discrimination no longer exists, and is nothing more than a figment of one's imagination. It's not the first, and won't be the last.


Thursday, April 3, 2008

Hello, it's me...

I'm sure your first thought is, "who the hell is this guy, and why am i reading his blog?" Well, sir or madame, that's a great question!

First off, the name is Darian, and I'm a gentleman who was in desperate need of an outlet to rant and rave. I spend my days in the Financial Service Industry and working for my loving spouse(named, T) and our lovely cat(named Poo-Poo).

I'm sure the second thought is, "what's a Vicenarian?" Well to save you from, it is someone in their 20's, like me, and yes I will edit the title when I turn 30(in three short years).

I live in Northern Virginia and there's a reason why we accentuate the compass direction. The rest of Virginia is very much Southern and I have Southern roots in my family, however; Virginia, like North Carolina and the rest of the South tends to make one assume that we have Southern Accents, which is nonexistent in Northern Virginia. Given, NoVa is a transient society, and we live in a "Southern State" but we're not Southern. You can't find the lovely fried food, southern drawls, or sweet tea anywhere but McDonalds(which is quite maddening!).

I've lived many different types of existences, despite my fairly young age including the life of a work-a-holic (working 3 different jobs, 5 days a week), a shy youth trying to find his way, and as an Podunk on-air radio personality.

And now I wish to finish this entry with a résumé like entry with a run-down of Strengths and Opportunities for Improvement, just so you know what you're getting into from the gitty-up.

My strengths: hard-working, loyal, a sense of humor, style, calm, focus, a people-person, a consummate perfectionist

My opportunities for improvement: patience, organizational skills, follow-through, "letting it go", a consummate perfectionist